Mmmmm what a feeling, to be admired!?
I don’t know if I enjoy it beyond any average but….I surely enjoy seeing them suffer.
Although I only ever asked one simple thing from all of them: the truth.
They could not stick to it.
They played with me, therefore get what they deserve when they betray me.
Take Oasis, huh? I am glad I never did and that’s why I can gladly listen to his songs today.
So, now I enjoy not being the slut everyone expects me to be…he wanted me to be, when he whined ”I am sorry I cannot help it, I like it rough”
– I tried: the nasty emotionless thing… knowing that he was disloyal I slept with him and then planned to kick him out, not calling him again.(Until now he never knew that – ah when could I have told him, sober phases were pretty rare the last months) I lasted until the first shot of whiskey….after about the fifth call of him, then my own feeling of rejection and guilt were too great to resist any form of perpetual pleasure.
Now: instead play the queen in my own world.
I do not agree with the antagonist in my book (who, by the way, by now, page 354, already murdered her parents and drove her husband into hard drinking just to get the land she lives on – 18th century women – adorable, aren’t they? At last, they know their priorities and know how to find a way to possess what they deserve) she said ”Always be the one who is loved, not the one who loves”.
Quite capable of love I still am.
While thinking all that this morning
– the first morning after I placed his journal underneath the pillow next to me (underneath my pillow it was too hard) –
on the bus I suddenly saw a lorry passing me by saying in a clear German:
”Für Sie ist uns kein Weg zu weit!”
Enlightenment sinks in. I do not want to possess for I want to love freely.
And…as if fate is not dragging me along one way only…there are more…interesting paths.
Alcoholism is one of them…ah not for me…
It does not give me anything. I can be easily high and stoned without any drugs/alcohol. Must be some genetic defect.
Alcoholism is all around me, in the book hmmm tempted to read ”Under the volcano” after reading the synopsis this morning – I am sure they sell it here – and then there was this…a car passing by this evening…it had a punchbag in the back, it was in form of a Jack Daniels whiskey bottle…amazing I found this metaphor, of course.
In my dreams I often travel the last weeks, everywhere, then I have phone calls or stand at a counter and pay together with a stranger asking me out for dinner. As my manner I deny but…it wouldn’t be my personal dream if he was not following me.
Conclusion: I know now who I can trust and know who I love.
I know you loved the last post. That’s why I wrote it.