My complexes with males – The beginning

It has hurt me most that I could not see him when he died. It has hurt me most that no one ever thought I would have wanted to see him before his death.
After ten years I remember my grandfather’s death, more realistically maybe.
I am actually quite sure nothing would have been different if he was still alive but I realize that there is so much I still wanted to know about him. With my grandparents I remember the year 1936. No idea where it comes from. In fact I thought it was my granny’s birthday but it is not so…it must have been his birthday. He was 64 then.
Males die younger than females. Of course, I even know my grandmother will not reach the average age of a woman, which lies around 86 years or so.
I still remember that my grandfather’s funeral was the only day in my childhood when my father hugged me and my mother suddenly appeared then most cold to me.
Others threw flowers or sand into his grave…I searched through the pockets of my coat then and found some coins to throw in there. ”Outstanding idea”, I thought.After five years I thought ”Freaky idea”, and now I think ”I wanted to be different (not knowing that I anyway am, with or without coins); wanted to give him something that has a meaning to both of us” (although probably he did not even touch them).

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