of my life in hell

Actually I thought of putting some of my diary entries from the vacation here…Not sure if you all could cope with my sharp edges. I cried and learned about my newly discovered anger and that I have to work on some topics like Daisy’s death and leaving Oldenburg in three months.
My arrival back in Oldenburg was much sweeter…I couldnt believe he cleaned my room while I was gone and I got flowers for the first time (dont need to buy them anymore). That joy overshadowes my anger and sadness. As the vacation was a pure waste, I could have better used the vacation to stay with him and suck up most of his presence as there is not much time left anymore…
The university where I wanted to go for creative writing let me know by letter that they are unable to offer a place to me…without any reason…

Saturday, 15th May, 2010
It’s two in the afternoon and somehow I cold not wait to finally start working on my poetry Though I still need some silence, motivation and concentration…got my dictionary already by my side. In fact there are several poems to get done with instead of beginning with a new.
I feel the pressure of success resting on my shoulders. This applies to the present and to the future.
Lately I feel empty…though I use the word of feelings I do not feel at all. Although I can perceive emotions of others and also can understand emotions, I do not want to react to them.
The whole non-feeling started some weeks ago and it scares me, yet my lack of energy condemns me to stay without action.
Sure I am thinking about going for the PhD in Creative Writing but I do not even know about the Masters, so…
Somehow I cannot focus on words or on how to stay warm. It isn’t quiet, only cold and the cries of children. It doesn’t come easy. And I want it to come easy because anything else is torture.
I better take away a little of my own pressure from myself.
Tuesday, 18th May 2010
God thankz it is already Tuesday. Everybody (including me) is freaking out. I know about my reasons…thought them through a little the past hour by walking. Can’t believe even my brother is pissed off because of little (to me invisible) problems.
My own problem is well…nothing goes as planned and every second I am together with family I feel my anger rising cause of the past.
Where does this anger come from? I never felt it…so vivid and that explains why I see myself becoming a psychopath.
I just want my silence back for writing and inspiration….and no child crying…babies really traumatize me now. In fact I got no way to relieve myself from the anger…cannot shout, don’t want to cry.
I need someone to talk to about my emotional status. I remembered again that every experience, education and knowledge I taught to myself. And sometimes I probably would have wished my parents would teach something to me…but they never did think of how much they influence and scar my life.
I am only waiting for the right moment to tell them how I felt about what they did….till the moment I earn my own money and live my life more distant from them.
Just want to stay alone now…in silence…or with Mustafa or my book (which I am almost done with unfortunately)
Wednesday, 19th May 2010
It pisses me off that I am only wasting time here. It’s deadly boring and the anger/disgust grows with every second. In fact I only worry this may traumatize me for longer. It may risk my relationship to Mustafa and living my own life but I suppose as long as I am so emotionally empty nothing is in danger. I suddenly miss him a lot, just want to feel him, him telling me everything is fine.
Day after tomorrow we are leaving. Gladly.
Though it is windy we went to an island on the lake. I could strive off my mountain veil and feel free on the water. The boat trip was like three minutes still it made me feel comfortable. And the architecture of the castle on the island was amazing. Classic art…paintings, vases, chairs, tables, walls. Quickly we went through and I could not cope with this quickness. My eyes stuck to every giant impressing painting. Again it is the rush of information that I can’t cope with.

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