Words in the morning

If it was perfect would you struggle for the same ever again?
A bit after one in the morning.
I thought I might write the Valentine’s cards now…actually I bought them more for myself than sending them to anyone…
Some people I talk to lately whine a lot about Valentine’s day…maybe I lost emotions or so…it’s just another day…for sending cards which say ”Happy Valentine’s Day from the cat”…
I dreamed of my cat last night…the one who died 11 years ago on a cold 14th November morning. The first time ever this cat is not linked to the death of my grandfather on the 4th or his funeral on the 24th. The cat would have been like…13 years old today. I remember he never really liked me…still in the dream he was just as balanced and lovable as I would have expected it from a cat…not from a cat like him though.
Some moments in a dream are so much closer to magic. And I know from many other dreams that my grandmother’s house is the place of my childhood magic dream world.
My parents did not bother to come online again before their vacation tomorrow. I guess around last weekend I had a moment again when I understand that I do not have a mother, or a family…the only ones who might be in the correct roles are my brother and my grannies. The rest is just a paper printed in a communist hospital in the GDR.
You know, I never wanted my parents to be my friends…never wanted anyone being my friend…but now my mother seems to be like this…a friend…and maybe also a ”victim” of my hobby psychology. She laughs about my logic, and usually stays silent with the shadow of a moan. Her world cracks silently and slowly, by the end of summer I will see her walk around like one of those rubble women…in her own ruins…not crying but stoned by the disbelief of what had happened the past two decades.

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